Music Part I ....

Hey I wanted to explain the meaning of music in my life up through my teenage years. 

Music was always a part of my life as it probably was with a lot of people my age back then.  I would listen when I was alone mostly.  One of my favorite memories was when I was by myself, with a handheld transitor radio, and listening to Wings' "Let'em In."  It was a bright sunny day, I had nothing to do but listen to that radio, and when that song came on hearing Paul McCartney singing, I felt free as a leaf in the air.  That memory has a pleasing affect on my mood....if I but settle my mind to think and remember it. 

My cousin Kathy introduced to some rock music styles to me back in the early 70s.  I remember being in her bedroom and she turned on some music and I was in some sort of Heaven.  I learned that I liked all kinds of music over the years.  My Dad had some record albums I would play all the time.   One was the White Album by Johnny Cash.  I learned a lot about Cash's style of country music.  That stuff would stay with me all my life. 

Dad had some Surfer dude music too.  Maybe that was Mom's taste.   When I was 10 my Mom decided that she was going to join the Columbia House music entity.  There you would pick out 6 albums on cassette and get one free and be required to buy a few more.  Each of us got to pick out what we wanted to listen to.  Dave picked Elvis Presley's greatest hits.  I picked out Captain & Tennille's album "Love Will Keep Us Together", Mom picked one of the Beach Boy's albums, not sure what Sandy picked out but I remember Debbie Boone's "You Light Up My Life" was one, and so was one of John Denver's albums.  We all listened to these albums all the time.  I got a cassette player for Christmas soon after we got these and had a blast with that.

We went on vacations and I took the player and the cassettes and played them all the time, even under my pillow when I went to bed.  I was crazy in love with music of all kinds.  

We got Shaun Cassidy's album that had "Da Doo Ron Ron" on it.  Played that thing until it was unplayable I am sure. All the girls in the neighborhood came to our house to listen to music.  And we once created a dance choreographed to some of his songs.  All the girls raved about how cute Shaun Cassidy was.  It is a fun memory of mine.  

Until we got a stereo with cassette player, I used to record onto cassette anything I liked playing on the radio.  Had to lean the cassette player up to the radio and hope no one made any noise in the background.  I even recorded the entire movie "The Sound of Music" that way and replay all the cassettes, as it took more than one, under my pillow, memorizing lines in the movie and all the songs sung.  

Finally we got a stereo with cassette player/recorder.  I spent many nights and weekends when nothing else was going on, with headphones on and recording my favorite tunes on cassettes.  I got pretty knowledgeable about brands of cassette tapes and how many songs I typically could record on one side, and judge it so I didn't have a lot of wasted space at the end of any side.  Always listening to Casey Kasem's "American Top 40" on Saturday morning radio.   And with the stereo cassette recorder, you didn't have to worry about background noise, it only recorded what was broadcast on the station.  I used to clean the house and let it record things and then back up the tape and record over anything I didn't want.  Yes I was the geeky freak about recording music, in high school. 

Ah, and then the next favorite thing I used to do, when no one was home, was play the music I like and pretend I was on stage and sing aloud and pretend I was performing.  I mostly liked to pretend I was the lead singer, but sometimes I liked to sit and pretend I was playing the drums too.  I loved to pretend I was doing a benefit concert and money made at the event would go to support a charity....   That's just how I always thought I would like to use any talent I had like that.   And truth be told, all these years later, on occaision when my husband isn't home, I will do this sometimes.  Not much dancing anymore, the ole back is not what it used to be.  But singing and pretending to be on stage, yeah, still do that sometimes.  I believe this is the first and only time I am admitting I do this.  LOL

We teeangers would debate a lot which radio station was the best.  There were the KSHE95 followers, and the KWK followers.  Me, I have always been a radio dialer....when a comerical came on, I would dial into some other station, I just wanted tunes to play.  I still do that now, but technology is different...so that is not always an issue anymore.  I'll pick up that topic in a later post.   KSHE is still on the air....that station is as old as me, but KWK has been long gone.  We have The ARCH now in its place.  I like both still...but The ARCH plays more genres than just Rock and Roll as KSHE still does.  And the classical station is not on the main stations, you need HD radio....yeah, I have more to talk about that whole issue later.  LOL

My first car didn't have a cassette player in it, which was an ultimate bummer.  I purchased a portable player to listen in the car that way, but driving on the highway made so much noise, couldn't really hear it.  Then my Dad started borrowing my portable recorder, after he went back to work and I ended up giving it to him.  It made him happy to listen while making biscuits or whatever he was making in the morning at the restaurant.  I always thought that was funny, him liking to listen like I did.  Now I think that was really neat, I was like him that way....loving music.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

Down To Business ...

During the Summer of 1985, again my Mom did some research and found that I could attend Sanford-Brown Business School (not an accredited college yet) and it would cost NOTHING.  Because of the financial status of our family, I would be able to attend school, tuition and books fully paid and get a diploma in whatever program they offered.   This was wonderful news to me! 

I wanted to go to a 4 year university and get a degree, but could not see why I couldn't follow in my Dad's footsteps and attend the Business School he did many years prior.   So Mom and I headed to the school, talked with an admissions advisor, and I chose to take the program on Data Entry and Computer Principles.   Computers were finally beginning to become prominent in business and it seemed like a good fit for me...I wanted to work in a white collar job like my parents did when they met and married.

August 1985 was the beginning of classes.  Unlike all my high school classes and teachers I remember to this day, I don't recall all the classes and really don't remember teacher names during the 9 months I attended SBBS.  What I do remember more are some of the people I met, some of the work I did and some of the antics that went on.  It was like college but still more like high school to me.  I went to class and again did well in all of them.   I really didn't make any friends there until December 1985.  I was a shy one, new environment, and all new people surrounding me.  I wasn't known for being an extrovert at all!  

First two people I met and befriended were both named Lisa.  Then I met Donna.  Then we all met Mona and her sister.  The five of us would do stuff together outside of our classes.   Lisa S. lived in the dorms across town from the college.  Lisa R. and myself still lived at home.  Mona and her sister I believe lived an apartment near the highway.   And Donna lived at home with her significant other.  During the rest of the school year I had visited each of these places.  Only Lisa R. had been to my house.  I was still anxious about anyone turning up at my home with my Dad there.  I just didn't want him to embarrass himself or me, in front of my friends. 

The two Lisa's knew others at the dorms and I met a lot of guys and gals there.  Several times throughout the school year, we'd finish classes (around 1pm) and head to the dorms and party over there.  That was my introduction to dorm life.  Sometimes we'd skip our last class, I was doing well in the class, so skipping it didn't bother me much.  It was like a learn on your own thing for one of the programming languages I was learning.  We'd head to the Lee's Fried Chicken restaurant down the street and have lunch and just plain enjoy ourselves.  I loved this school year after I met these people.  I let some of my defenses down and had a good time as a 19 year old in a new environment.

On many Tuesday nights, the two Lisa's and I would travel across the river into Illinois (the East side) and go to a Ladies night at Stages, a dance club.  That was my introduction to drinking and dancing...and men looking to pick up girls.  For the life of me I could never figure out how it was legal for this bar to serve girls underage.  Everyone entering had to show their driver license.  And girls were allowed in if they were at least 19.  Guys had to be 21.   Thinking back on it now, it was the ultimate in hookup places.  Although, I can admit now, I was never "picked up" in that place.  I had a dueling feeling in my heart about that.  On the one hand I really wanted a guy to ask me to dance (that never happened) and on the other hand I was way out of my element and scared of older guys.  In reality, this was really not a safe place to be for a naïve girl like myself.   I just wanted to belong, and dance, and have friends.  And drink. 

We were there once at this club and some male strippers were performing.  I was totally freaking out at all that.  Watching the looser girls up by the stage carrying on, I would laugh, I would stare, I would turn my head, I just didn't know what the heck to do.  That was the only one of a few times I ever was in proximity to male strippers. 

What I truly enjoyed was the band that played live there on Tuesday nights.  They were called Tropix.  They were very good.  The lead singer was a very attractive guy, his brother was in the band, and if I wasn't checking out their performances, I was eyeing the keyboardist.  That was the instrument I loved back then.  The brother of the lead singer was dating some girl that worked at the hair salon Lisa R. went to get her hair done.  That's how Stages became a part of our lives for several months. 

A few times instead of heading to the bar, we stayed at the dorms and drank and played games or watched sports on TV.  I remember attempting to drink a 6 pack of beer and not being able to get past can number 5.  I was pretty drunk, and although that was not the first time I had gotten that drunk, I was happy that no one took advantage of my state.  I really didn't think too far ahead about what could have happened in those circumstances.  I think all my experiences back then taught me how easy it is for girls to get into a load of trouble with guys and one thing leading to another, all while under the influence.  You have to remember this was 1985-1986, when AIDS was in the news all over the place.  All I remember back then was it was a sexually transmitted disease, and I didn't want that death sentence.  I think this was one of the main reasons I didn't try to open myself up to any guys and date back then.   I just didn't trust guys and I didn't want to get AIDS.  (Oh, normally you'd hear girls say they didn't want to get pregnant....well, that was not an issue for me....you'll learn why soon.)

Lisa R. was good friends with Lisa S.  But Lisa R. and I would become very close friends and do lots of stuff together.  When it came time for graduation in June 1986, Lisa R.'s parents invited my parents to their home to meet and then go to the graduation ceremony.  I was concerned the whole time about how my Dad would be perceived.  I was happy to learn later from my mom that everything went well.  And later still learn from Lisa that her parents liked my parents.   That was a blessing.  Lisa's Mom could be quite particular about other people's manners.  I never knew my Dad to have manners...sad to say.  But I guess he was on his best behavior, and that I loved to hear!

The ceremony was at a unique place.  And the stage was a place celebrities came to perform, and the whole stage rotated around and around!   Really wild.   But it moved slowly, so everyone in a 360-degree circle around it could see the going's on up on stage.  I again had to wear a cap and gown and received a diploma for my efforts.  I earned a 3.9 GPA that year, and I was most pleased with that accomplishment.  I think my parents were too! 

Many kids go off to college and have fun, learn new subjects, make friends and "sow their oats" so to speak, before getting serious and finishing degrees and getting married and having families.  I started out pretty much the same way, but life didn't exactly progress in the same manner that many of my High School friends lives did.   I wouldn't continue college after Sanford-Brown as I intended.  I got involved in other going's on, and headed down a different path.  My life would soon become an adventure...sometimes interesting, sometimes scary.  Never boring. 

....life is never predictable.  You can plan something for years and things change midstream when you least expect it.  You can be enjoying your youth and suddenly be transported into very adult situations and have no idea how to deal with things.  These are the things I contended with.  Sometimes well, sometimes not.   More to this life saga coming up, stay tuned ....

The facade of Sanford-Brown campus.

The school was in front of a golf course.

I took this picture because of the humor of it all. 

 

Lisa R. (in the hat) and Donna taken indoors from the patio

where we'd congregate between classes.

I couldn't find any pictures of myself at this time in my life at school.  Ahh..

Life from K to 12...

I wanted to pause here and say a few things about what experiences I have had so far, not necessarily in any post so far, and a little about what affect they've had on my life as an adult.  To me looking backwards and studying what one knew at a time in the past and comparing to what one knows as an adult is helpful.     

When I was in Kindergarten, I used to suck my thumb.  To be honest I sucked my thumb past Kindergarten, but I am not fessing up to how long.  My mom really wanted to me to quit, and apparently my Kindergarten teacher did too!   She used to lightly slap my hand to get me to stop.  I didn't like this, I felt betrayed.   Mom would give babysitters something that had hot pepper juice in it and have them slather it on my thumb.  When I indulged in this "bad habit" it would fire up my mouth and lips that I had to drink water to cool it down.  But I learned one day that if I used a lot of soap and water I could wash it off and go back to my little tike ways.  Now what was the purpose of sucking my thumb?  It was a way to relieve anxiety.  As I got older, the anxieties I suffered didn't go away, they sometimes waned and sometimes worsened. 

When I was in high school, I had a lot of anxiety too.  I didn't suck my thumb to relieve it, though.  LOL  No, I just worried a lot, and listened to music A LOT!  I turned music on to study for tests, to create my artwork to, and to sometimes get a little crazy and sing and dance to (by myself mind you).  I worried about things like why certain people didn't like me, why no boys asked me out on dates, how was I going to remember all this stuff for a test, why do I look so unattractive, why don't people invite me to parties or hang with them?   I didn't have answers to these questions, I posited my own answers and was pretty much a sad person underneath a lot of laughter.  I know many people suffer this, I know this NOW.  I didn't know this then.  Lots of the anxiety I had I carried into adulthood, and lots of behaviors I engaged in to "medicate" these anxieties had an effect on my mood, my physical health and my own personal beliefs about myself.  But I survived....I'm living today to tell my journey. 

Not many people know this, but I worried for years that I would suffer a Bipolar episode like my Dad.  Especially as I got closer to the age of 40, the age my Dad was when all his world exploded into mental illness hell.  I didn't suffer a Bipolar episode.  I have suffered anxieties and super anxieties, and had panic attacks.   Last one was a few months ago, but it was lessened in severity by medication I am on.  I used to drink alcohol at parties and enjoy myself a little more than normal.  This was after high school but before I was of legal age to drink. Alcohol is a depressant and can have a calming affect on your nerves.  But it is addictive.  I never became addicted but I do have an addictive personality.  I have been addicted to some activities, just not alcoholism.  At these parties, I might have over imbibed and got hung over, and then waited a week to do it all again.  I was more a social drinker than anything else.  Last drink I had was sometime in 1999 or so.

The worries of yesterday are different than today.  When I was a kid I worried about other kids liking me and getting good grades.   As an adult, I worry about keeping the job I have, the mortgage, my husband, and an elderly Mother.  I worry about having enough to pay for bills, a job to make the money and provide medical insurance and afford the medications I am on.  I worry about my car as it ages and soon to hit the 115,000 mile mark.  I worry about whether to go back to college and finish any of the degrees I started long ago and never finished.  As a kid you don't always know who to trust, who to get help from or necessarily that there is help out there in the first. place.  As an adult, sometimes you feel that there is no one to trust, that no one really knows how to help you, or that the help offered is really necessary for you....that it is all a ruse to get money out of you. 

Now here I could jump into my faith story and what I believe about trusting in a Higher Power and the Universe and God and all that.  But I really just wanted to say something about what I have noticed about how I changed from a worrying kid into a worrying adult.  There are a lot of stories to tell now about what happened to me or around me, and how I dealt with things then, and I how I would deal with them now.  I'll get to those, that is the #1 reason I wanted to do a blog in the first place.   I'm not afraid to explain my story, some of it with embarrassing anecdotes and silly lessons.  But life is not perfect, sometimes makes no sense at all.  But it is okay, we all have a life journey to live, and some go through huge trials and make it out to the other side okay, some do not.  I think my being willing and able to write this for others to read shows I have made it out to the other side, and I know I am and will be okay....for a long time to come.  

..... what happens next is some of the most memorable things from my past.   And I am excited AND anxious to tell you. 

Then And Now ...

I feel it behooves me to state some comparisons here about what it was like when I was a kid and what it is like now. 

Societal norms have changed a lot.  Government "interference" in daily life has changed a lot.   How parents rear their children has changed.  And how kids interact with the world at large has changed IMMENSELY.  And I got examples!

When I was a kid in the 70s, corporal punishment by a teacher or principal was legally and ethically fine.  I know this because on one occasion in the 2nd grade I had been punished by the principal with a paddle.  Not fun at all.  Kids were raised to respect their elders and many parents used corporal punishment at home.  Mine sure did. 

Today's youth seem to be allowed to bully their peers, their parents, their teachers, and there are a lot of stories of kids calling the authorities on their parents if they touched them.   What was once acceptable discipline, is now possibly against the law in some counties.   Striking a child with a paddle isn't, at it's heart, a very fun thing to do.  And I mean one good whack on the tush, not a repeated thing intent on injury.  

We were given a choice of paddling or standing in the corner.  I always chose the least painful option, and stood in the corner.  This was at home mind you.  When I got older, no choices, it always was "go to your room."  I was a sassy teenager.  I admit it.  If I heard my Dad raise his voice, it was cringe time, and time to shut the heck up!   Kids nowadays don't even care about all that.  They just talk louder right back.  Some parents have become their children's friends, and opt to do no spanking and let their children seemingly do whatever they want in public.  This always disturbs me, cause it seems like some parents have let the child take over the household.  That never would have happened in my parent's home.  NEVER!

After I graduated high school things seemed to change quickly, and now you see and hear more kids being verbally belligerent, ignoring authorities, and more bullying and unfortunately criminal behavior with guns and mass shootings in schools.  My has the world changed so much in 30 years. 

Of course technology has changed immensely since the 70s.  TVs only brought in local channels.  Most were huge boxes with vacuum tubes and giant monitors.  And, oh dear, you had to get up and turn a dial or touch some buttons to change the channel!  Most families only had 1 or 2 TVs and most kids didn't have their own TVs in their bedrooms. 

Computers in business, computers in schools, computers in the homes....this phenomenon didn't occur until the 80s.  We never had a computer in the home until after my brother graduated high school.  I first learned how to write a simple computer program in my senior year.  It was on a Radio Shack TSR80 computer.  The monitor only displayed 2 colors, black and white.  No pretty dance of the spectrum of the rainbow.  That came a few years later. 

When I was a kid, art was my world... common mediums were markers, pencil, wood, glue, and paper of all kinds.  Now things are created on computer screens with many different programming tools.  2D is common, 3D is the rage now.  And kids can create many things I never even dreamed of when I was in elementary school.   They pick up any computerized gizmo and suddenly are like Rembrandt to a canvas, they design things as if it is no big deal! 

Now I like the changes in technology, don't get me wrong. I'm a sucker for my IPhone, IPad and computer.  I can communicate with more people in a click of a button than the number of people I ever knew in my 13 years of schooling (before college).  What I realized over the past several years, is they can become your life, become addicting, and change your moods.  Not good if you cannot control what you do with them and how long you spend on them or in front of them.  

Society has not been able to KEEP OUT the unwanted things though with this rampant technological age of changes.  Spam hits our emails, graphic sexual displays are clicks away for youth to see, hackers get into every kind of business' computer system and steal names, numbers, and destroy people's financial lives and sense of security.  

I never ever thought of the number of ways technology could be used to harm others while I was learning about computers.  I was always amazed and engrossed in the ways text could be manipulated on the screen, the background colors could be arranged, the way you can click on a word on the screen and something happens.  THAT was amazing to me.  Knowing how to ruin someone else's life was not in my heart.   That part has always stumped me, but I guess some people get a kick of out the evil they can partake in, at the expense of others lives and well-being. 

Parents have to be diligent to monitor their children in new and inventive ways.  Parents are busy with their work and careers, now they must be cognizant with what their kids are doing on computers and who they interact with.  I don't recall being concerned with so much when I was a youth.  And since I don't have children, I have not had the same worries as those peers of mine that do. 

Life has gotten crazier in many respects.   And I believe some of it has to be from disengaging in personal one-on-one interaction and caring about others.  I love my computerized gizmos, and I love "talking" with others on them; but they do not make up for the human connection through personal touch, hugs, and kisses, and companionship while sitting in the same room as another.  The art of everyday conversation has turned into the art of texting while driving and hoping to avoid the next accident.

    ....  in some ways life brings new exciting things, in other ways it loses its sense of meaning.  Hold on, we'll be back to my life's journey next time. 

 

 

 

 

 

Dad...

My Dad by all accounts was a very eccentric fellow.  Very very intelligent...like Mensa smart!!!  I really liked this about him.  Unless we played Trivial Pursuit with him.  Then you were hosed.  Partly cause he was read more, but also cause he was off the charts smart.

My parents bought the family home from a doctor surgeon who had the home customized for his needs.  The living room was originally designed as a formal living room and a dining room on the other end, but I don't believe there was a wall separating the two.  We had kept the chandelier hanging where the dining space was for many of the early years, but instead of dining room furniture, we had our family TV and chairs at that end.  

My favorite memory of the early years was when Dad would play with us kids.  He'd prop us on his shoulders, hold our hands and walk quickly through out the living run, end to end.  It was was fun and garnered a lot of laughs, except the one day that he forgot where the chandelier was and I was pulled head first right into that thing.  I don't remember being angry at Dad for that, just upset it hurt so bad. 

Dad played board games with us when we got a little older.  Sometimes we'd play as a family, all five of us together, sometimes it was just Dad and us kids.  We'd play Parcheesi, Sorry, and Monopoly.  I don't remember if he played card games with us, that was more Mom's type of games to play.  

Dad suffered a nervous breakdown in 1979 after I graduated from the 6th grade.  He had to stop working for a long time.  Those were some of the roughest years I ever remember our entire family going through.  Mom had to deal with the brunt of things, as she had to deal with the doctors, the ambulance workers, the psychiatrists, and all the bills that were piling up from his care.  Since we kids were 12 and under, we weren't burdened with all the medical bill details.  We just knew our Dad wasn't right and he was getting help, away from the home.   

He was never the same personality when he finally got home.  He was more guarded, avoided hanging with us kids, and stayed more to himself in his own room.  Mom and him had moved to separate rooms before his breakdown, but now he was not able to function as he once did.  It would be several years, throughout all my junior and senior high school years, that he'd be walled away in the house before getting more relational with others.  

When he first got sick I used to worry about him a lot and sat with him when he came out of his room to put a record on the player.  Normally he play some classical music.  I learned to appreciate many of the great pieces of classical music because of this time with him.  I didn't know how to knit or crochet, but I did know a simple knotting sequence with yarn, and I made him colorful bookmarks with this technique out of yarn.  He seemed to like them and use them.   This is when I know he became an avid bookworm.   

I don't know what my siblings thought about my Dad and is Bipolar disease.  He frightened all of us a few times when I was in high school.  Hallucinating and seeing animals talking to him, and seeing me in a room when I wasn't really there.   I didn't want friends over at the house when all this started happening.  I became afraid of him and avoided interacting with him at this time.  He would get angry at the slightest noise, didn't want any talking going on when he was watching Jeopardy on TV and just became a person I didn't know how to be around.   I am ashamed that I didn't get to know him better then, and fight through my fear and see if I could find the man I knew and loved as a small child.  

Somewhere during the first couple years after he got sick, he lost over 100 lbs, and quit smoking his pipe AND joined the Catholic Church.  All the reading he did to prepare added to the scary moments when you could tell he was about to have an episode and need his meds fixed.  He'd sit us kids down and wouldn't allow us to do anything unless we answered his faith questions.  One time he scared me because none of us kids really knew what the 7 virtues and vices were and we had to sit at the kitchen table until Mom got home from work.  She had to deal with Dad's mental problem on her own and really didn't explain to us that I recall what was truly going on. 

Finally when I was out of high school, he started working.   He worked at McDonald's as a biscuit maker.  Far removed from his bookkeeping talents.  He just wasn't comfortable getting into the numbers and messing up the books.  But his boss loved him.  He was a good and dependable worker.   After some time though some things started bothering him with that job and he quit, He went to go work for their competition, and again everyone there loved him.   But one day I think the story goes he came in and saw someone doing his station work and he got pissed and quit.   He then went on to work at the grocery store next to the McDonald's he used to work at.  I work for this grocery chain and was actually proud he belonged to the same company.  He was in the union, I was not.  EVERYONE loved my dad there.   

                        ..... when life takes a sudden turn to the unknown and the frightful side of    
                              things, we can become confused and disorented and lose our way.  
                             Stay tuned for more on this saga. 

  

Our Family Photo circa 1972

 

 

Mom and Dad

It Started With My Family...

Okay so I learned A LOT about how to be in the world from my family.  Right or wrong, my parents, siblings, aunts and uncles, grandparents and cousins taught me many things. 

I was a shy kid growing up. Not too many friends, not really close to my siblings, and when visiting at relative's homes, I believe I was pretty invisible.   At school is where I shined more.  I loved school!  And I was pretty darn good in the 3 R's.   But my favorite classes were my art classes.  And my favorite place to be, in school or out, was the library.  I never got the impression that my parents really knew all this about me.   I got good grades and pretty much could do my homework on my own.  It just always seemed that it was expected I would be smart and self-sufficient in my academic studies.  This would play a part later on in my education after high school.

I have a sister, who is a year and half younger than me.  Once she was old enough to sleep in a big people bed, we had to share a bed together.  My brother came along a year and half after my sister, and once he was old enough to sleep in a big people bed, the three of us had to share a room together.  Me on the top bunk, the younger two on the bottom bunk.  We learned to share a room, but heaven's to Betsy, we were not known for being model sharers of toys or anything else.  My sister recounts that she was told to sit between me and brother in the back seat of the old Dodge Gremlin because my brother and I just didn't get along.   That would really wouldn't change much as we got older. 

My sister and I weren't close, but since we were both girls pretty close in age, we did get along a little better.  We sat next to each other at the family dinner table, during the years we all 5 ate together as a family.  I don't remember too many fights at any meals....but we were different in more ways than just birth order.  In high school she was the popular one with her huge group of friends.  She always seemed to be the one that controlled everything.  I always wanted to be in her group, but never really was allowed, except when some came to our house to play cards.  Once she was out of the house, we really did nothing together.  And as time went on this wouldn't change much either.

My Mom raised us 3 kids in a most practical manner, making sure we had a roof over our heads, food to eat, and clothing.   Until we hit high school.   Once I was old enough to hold a job, I had to work to earn money for a car and its expenses, my own clothes, and my own hygiene products.  Not a lot of outward affection was beheld on us, and this would play a most huge part in my development as a person and as a Child of God.  

Finally, there's my Dad.  He was a unique soul.  I have good and bad memories growing up with him.  Until recently, I dwelt on the bad stuff more than any of the good stuff.  It seemed to outweigh everything.  Dad worked until I was 12, then suffered a mental breakdown and was diagnosed with Bipolar Disease.  A terrible disease that took more than a year to properly be diagnosed.   When we were young kids, he played with us.   We had fun with our Dad!  After his diagnosis, nothing was the same, and I never grew to be close to him.   And in 2000 my Dad was killed after getting hit by a car.   All of these tragedies would play a huge part of my ups and downs in moods over the years. 

And this is just the tip of the iceberg of the things to recount from my youth and early adolescence.  Opening up about my family was always something I wanted to do, but wasn't sure how to do so and definitely not an easy thing to do.  I learned a lot from these four people in my life.  Some good, some misguided, some not resolved until recently, and a few not resolved yet. 

                                 ..........  hang on for more.  The ride gets bumpy from here on out.