More Changes In Store ....

Sometime after Lisa found out she was pregnant, Jimmy proposed to Lisa.  I never knew what was streaming around in that guy's head, but he wanted to marry the mother of his child.  They set a date for some day in January 1989.   Honestly I don't recall the exact date.  But do recall a whole lot of things up to, during and after that date. 

Lisa's Dad, now a widower, began dating a gal that Lisa's sister worked with.  Her name was Stella.  For Lisa this was a little aggravating, having just lost her Mother, she couldn't understand why her Dad was dating just months after the loss of his wife of 30+ years. 

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We had a Christmas party at our apartment and Lisa's Dad and Stella were there, as were some other folks.  Lisa's Dad drank nearly everyday after dinner, and this was no different, but little did we know that he was drinking a little more heavily now.  When it was time for him to leave, he left on his own, swore up and down he was fine to drive and left.  Stella left on her own, or maybe with Lisa's sister.  The rest of the guests left and then we went to bed.  Then came a call that shook us all up, Lisa's Dad was in jail.

We all got dressed and went to the police station he was jailed at.  Stella in the meantime had called a bail bondsman and then met us at the police station.  The bondsman pulled up in his car, got out and then to our amazement we noticed he was a Little Person. I use this term after looking up the proper acceptable term for a person of small stature.  Now up until this time in my life, I had never seen a Little Person in person...in proximity to myself.  I have seen them on TV, not in person.  He got out of his regular sized car, with briefcase in hand, and walked towards us.  We sat inside the station in an area and I think Stella did the talking, she had the money for bail.  She paid him, and then we all waited until Lisa's Dad was released.  He had been serving on the Highway while driving home, and got pulled over.  That's when we knew he was not in a good shape, and he would lie to himself and the rest of us about it.  He missed his wife who passed 6 months prior, and turned to drinking more than usual.  I felt sorry for him, he was lost. 

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Now after Jimmy proposed to Lisa, she stated she wanted to be married in the Catholic Church.  I kinda thought this was silly because she hadn't been a practicing Catholic in many years, what was the point?  Her point was that is what Catholics do.  So that is what she worked towards.  First she decided where she wanted to get married, at the Basilica in Denver.  Why?  I do not know for sure, possibly because it was big and pretty and part of her fantasy of what a perfect wedding would look like.  Then she met with the pastor, and he told them they'd have to go to marriage Pre-Cana classes.  Well was that ever interesting.  Of course I wasn't with them for all this, but I heard about it, a lot.  Basically, she didn't tell the priest she was pregnant, and Jimmy answered the Foccus test with answers that he thought Lisa would say.  All of this was just red flags and reasons not to get married in the Church, and maybe not get married at all. 

Then Lisa chose her sister as her Maid of Honor and me and her friend Roxy as her bridesmaids.  Not sure if there were other bridesmaids, seems like there may have been one more.  Jimmy chose his Best Man and his groomsmen.  Then Lisa did all the other normal wedding planning stuff, find someone to create her dress, find a shop all the wedding party could rent dresses and tuxes at, order the flowers, the cake, and decorations for the Church, and find a place for the reception and pick out the foods to serve.  This was done in about 3 months time for the entire preparation.  Oh and get a limo and photographer.  I don't know if she was given a limit on expenses, but she constantly had to let her Father know what was going on and what money was needed for these things. 

Now let's get this out there now, I hate dresses!!! But I did wear one in this wedding.  I mean it wasn't that bad, but I am a tomboy at heart, and I dislike the fancy shoes.  I'd rather wear tennis shoes or sandals, really.  I bought shoes, rented the dress for $50, and probably had my hair done.   Lisa's dress had to be altered as she started showing a bit before the wedding, she fretted about that non-stop and thought the priest wouldn't marry her if he found out she was pregnant.  I shake my head now, because nowadays I don't think that would be a huge impediment to marriage in the Catholic Church. 

The day finally came, it was COLD, it was January after all in Denver!  We girls got ready one place, the guys another.  All I remember was when the limo came, us girls were ecstatic.   It was the first and only time I had ever been in a limo.  Kinda nice if I do say so myself, but also a bit strange too. 

Got to the Basilica, the ceremony was nice, I did a reading from the Bible, and that was nerve wracking.  My legs were shaking a lot, but I got through it.  The night before, at rehearsal, the priest told me to talk into the microphone, well let's just say I have a booming voice and needed to kick it back a notch.  That was funny to me.  After the wedding and pictures at the Basilica, the wedding party got in the limo, but when it was my turn to get in, no room with everyone else.  I had to ride up front with the limo driver.   And apparently, it's against the law to drink in the front seat, as a passenger, so I didn't get to partake in the toast the party had in the limo.  I was bummed about that. 

Got to the hotel where the reception was held.  And then things got screwed up quick.  Some of the wedding party decided to do some not so good things, and I had to take over as Maid of Honor to make sure everything ran correctly.  I became in charge of all the wedding gifts, and had to get them up to Lisa and Jimmy's room, what a freaking mess!   I was so resentful of all the shenanigans, that I just wanted to leave.  But I hung in there and did what I could do.  I didn't have a ride so had to stay anyways.  Many people gave cards with money (checks and cash) in them and I made sure that got to Lisa safely.   They were on the Presidential suite floor, so had to have their room key to get off that floor on the elevator. 

The night was not a complete mess though.  I loved music a lot then, and I loved to dance too!   I took my dressy shoes off and put on ankle socks and had my own version of a sock hop.   Up by the speakers, where I loved to dance, and I was in a sort of musical Heaven.  I looked around once, no one was on the floor but me, and some were watching me.  I was a little embarrassed, but also glad I could let loose and be myself for a little part of the night.   The food was good, the decorations were nice, and the cake was excellent! 

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.... everyone is not as mature as I think God would want us to be.  To do our part, to care for others in a loving way, and to be together in marriage.   People do all sorts of things for selfish reasons, but telling themselves that it was for a noble cause.  I am not innocent of this sort of thing, but it is much different seeing it happen to others you care about, and seeing their life get all in a tangled mess.  The story continues, please hang on for the next installment of this saga.  

NOTE:  power outage at my home today has me posting this off site, and unable to post pics I meant to.   This will be updated when power is restored, for now I have some lessons to post.   Hoping to keep this a fluid blog, even with updates to posts and so much else.  

Life from K to 12...

I wanted to pause here and say a few things about what experiences I have had so far, not necessarily in any post so far, and a little about what affect they've had on my life as an adult.  To me looking backwards and studying what one knew at a time in the past and comparing to what one knows as an adult is helpful.     

When I was in Kindergarten, I used to suck my thumb.  To be honest I sucked my thumb past Kindergarten, but I am not fessing up to how long.  My mom really wanted to me to quit, and apparently my Kindergarten teacher did too!   She used to lightly slap my hand to get me to stop.  I didn't like this, I felt betrayed.   Mom would give babysitters something that had hot pepper juice in it and have them slather it on my thumb.  When I indulged in this "bad habit" it would fire up my mouth and lips that I had to drink water to cool it down.  But I learned one day that if I used a lot of soap and water I could wash it off and go back to my little tike ways.  Now what was the purpose of sucking my thumb?  It was a way to relieve anxiety.  As I got older, the anxieties I suffered didn't go away, they sometimes waned and sometimes worsened. 

When I was in high school, I had a lot of anxiety too.  I didn't suck my thumb to relieve it, though.  LOL  No, I just worried a lot, and listened to music A LOT!  I turned music on to study for tests, to create my artwork to, and to sometimes get a little crazy and sing and dance to (by myself mind you).  I worried about things like why certain people didn't like me, why no boys asked me out on dates, how was I going to remember all this stuff for a test, why do I look so unattractive, why don't people invite me to parties or hang with them?   I didn't have answers to these questions, I posited my own answers and was pretty much a sad person underneath a lot of laughter.  I know many people suffer this, I know this NOW.  I didn't know this then.  Lots of the anxiety I had I carried into adulthood, and lots of behaviors I engaged in to "medicate" these anxieties had an effect on my mood, my physical health and my own personal beliefs about myself.  But I survived....I'm living today to tell my journey. 

Not many people know this, but I worried for years that I would suffer a Bipolar episode like my Dad.  Especially as I got closer to the age of 40, the age my Dad was when all his world exploded into mental illness hell.  I didn't suffer a Bipolar episode.  I have suffered anxieties and super anxieties, and had panic attacks.   Last one was a few months ago, but it was lessened in severity by medication I am on.  I used to drink alcohol at parties and enjoy myself a little more than normal.  This was after high school but before I was of legal age to drink. Alcohol is a depressant and can have a calming affect on your nerves.  But it is addictive.  I never became addicted but I do have an addictive personality.  I have been addicted to some activities, just not alcoholism.  At these parties, I might have over imbibed and got hung over, and then waited a week to do it all again.  I was more a social drinker than anything else.  Last drink I had was sometime in 1999 or so.

The worries of yesterday are different than today.  When I was a kid I worried about other kids liking me and getting good grades.   As an adult, I worry about keeping the job I have, the mortgage, my husband, and an elderly Mother.  I worry about having enough to pay for bills, a job to make the money and provide medical insurance and afford the medications I am on.  I worry about my car as it ages and soon to hit the 115,000 mile mark.  I worry about whether to go back to college and finish any of the degrees I started long ago and never finished.  As a kid you don't always know who to trust, who to get help from or necessarily that there is help out there in the first. place.  As an adult, sometimes you feel that there is no one to trust, that no one really knows how to help you, or that the help offered is really necessary for you....that it is all a ruse to get money out of you. 

Now here I could jump into my faith story and what I believe about trusting in a Higher Power and the Universe and God and all that.  But I really just wanted to say something about what I have noticed about how I changed from a worrying kid into a worrying adult.  There are a lot of stories to tell now about what happened to me or around me, and how I dealt with things then, and I how I would deal with them now.  I'll get to those, that is the #1 reason I wanted to do a blog in the first place.   I'm not afraid to explain my story, some of it with embarrassing anecdotes and silly lessons.  But life is not perfect, sometimes makes no sense at all.  But it is okay, we all have a life journey to live, and some go through huge trials and make it out to the other side okay, some do not.  I think my being willing and able to write this for others to read shows I have made it out to the other side, and I know I am and will be okay....for a long time to come.  

..... what happens next is some of the most memorable things from my past.   And I am excited AND anxious to tell you.