When I was in Kindergarten, I used to suck my thumb. To be honest I sucked my thumb past Kindergarten, but I am not fessing up to how long. My mom really wanted to me to quit, and apparently my Kindergarten teacher did too! She used to lightly slap my hand to get me to stop. I didn't like this, I felt betrayed. Mom would give babysitters something that had hot pepper juice in it and have them slather it on my thumb. When I indulged in this "bad habit" it would fire up my mouth and lips that I had to drink water to cool it down. But I learned one day that if I used a lot of soap and water I could wash it off and go back to my little tike ways. Now what was the purpose of sucking my thumb? It was a way to relieve anxiety. As I got older, the anxieties I suffered didn't go away, they sometimes waned and sometimes worsened.
When I was in high school, I had a lot of anxiety too. I didn't suck my thumb to relieve it, though. LOL No, I just worried a lot, and listened to music A LOT! I turned music on to study for tests, to create my artwork to, and to sometimes get a little crazy and sing and dance to (by myself mind you). I worried about things like why certain people didn't like me, why no boys asked me out on dates, how was I going to remember all this stuff for a test, why do I look so unattractive, why don't people invite me to parties or hang with them? I didn't have answers to these questions, I posited my own answers and was pretty much a sad person underneath a lot of laughter. I know many people suffer this, I know this NOW. I didn't know this then. Lots of the anxiety I had I carried into adulthood, and lots of behaviors I engaged in to "medicate" these anxieties had an effect on my mood, my physical health and my own personal beliefs about myself. But I survived....I'm living today to tell my journey.
Not many people know this, but I worried for years that I would suffer a Bipolar episode like my Dad. Especially as I got closer to the age of 40, the age my Dad was when all his world exploded into mental illness hell. I didn't suffer a Bipolar episode. I have suffered anxieties and super anxieties, and had panic attacks. Last one was a few months ago, but it was lessened in severity by medication I am on. I used to drink alcohol at parties and enjoy myself a little more than normal. This was after high school but before I was of legal age to drink. Alcohol is a depressant and can have a calming affect on your nerves. But it is addictive. I never became addicted but I do have an addictive personality. I have been addicted to some activities, just not alcoholism. At these parties, I might have over imbibed and got hung over, and then waited a week to do it all again. I was more a social drinker than anything else. Last drink I had was sometime in 1999 or so.
The worries of yesterday are different than today. When I was a kid I worried about other kids liking me and getting good grades. As an adult, I worry about keeping the job I have, the mortgage, my husband, and an elderly Mother. I worry about having enough to pay for bills, a job to make the money and provide medical insurance and afford the medications I am on. I worry about my car as it ages and soon to hit the 115,000 mile mark. I worry about whether to go back to college and finish any of the degrees I started long ago and never finished. As a kid you don't always know who to trust, who to get help from or necessarily that there is help out there in the first. place. As an adult, sometimes you feel that there is no one to trust, that no one really knows how to help you, or that the help offered is really necessary for you....that it is all a ruse to get money out of you.
Now here I could jump into my faith story and what I believe about trusting in a Higher Power and the Universe and God and all that. But I really just wanted to say something about what I have noticed about how I changed from a worrying kid into a worrying adult. There are a lot of stories to tell now about what happened to me or around me, and how I dealt with things then, and I how I would deal with them now. I'll get to those, that is the #1 reason I wanted to do a blog in the first place. I'm not afraid to explain my story, some of it with embarrassing anecdotes and silly lessons. But life is not perfect, sometimes makes no sense at all. But it is okay, we all have a life journey to live, and some go through huge trials and make it out to the other side okay, some do not. I think my being willing and able to write this for others to read shows I have made it out to the other side, and I know I am and will be okay....for a long time to come.
..... what happens next is some of the most memorable things from my past. And I am excited AND anxious to tell you.
